Ah yes, the training...

Once we have all the usual witticisms out of the way - “Be easier to drive you know,” “Why are you staring at Land’s End - it’s uphill...”  etc etc, we then move on to the one I can’t politely smile at, the one that renders me speechless (well almost), “So, how’s the training going then?”

At this point I really ought to be able to whip out my pre-prepared list of ‘training issues’ - issues that have ‘complicated’ my brilliantly-conceived, studiously-compiled training regime. The ‘issues list’ goes something like this...

- weekend footie on Sky
- blog writing
- twitter tweeting
- Spotify
- The Cross Keys
- midweek footie on Sky
- Sainsbury takeaway curry
- flat tyres
- bad back
- bad attitude
- too windy
- too cold
- too just right

Need I go on?

It’s a sorry tale of a mass conspiracy by satellite broadcasters, fatty food producers, beer brewers, social media moguls, and weather makers, to derail my grand scheme at this crucial stage of the preparation.

So, as it appears I cannot rely on their backing, I am resigned to formulating a brand new plan which involves riding my bike and cutting back on stuff that makes you a great lardy blob. I know it’s drastic, but that’s the kind of committed athlete I have become. When? About two sentences back I think it was.

Yes! This is where the serious stuff starts! Calorie intake, resting heart rate and optimum cadence will all be scientifically monitored as I widen my search for stalling tactics before I have to actually inflict true cycling pain on my tired old body.

So, when you ask me in two week’s time (actually, make that three/four) how the training’s going, I will be able to confidently assure you my previous ‘training issues’ are well and truly behind me...and I now have a new, but equally impressive, list!

Jez