I know the way now - follow me!

For the past few weeks I have been been averting my gaze whenever the weather forecasting folk show the VERY BIG map of the UK. It’s HUGE and seems to be there not to tell us about the weather but to demonstrate what a MASSIVE land mass this UK place is. Or is that just me?

For the same reason I have been avoiding planning a route which will involve me writing lots of place names and thereby once again demonstrating the sheer madness of visiting them...by bike...in 13 days.

But I can delay the moment no longer, and without further ado or hesitation, without a moment’s more procrastination or a second’s second thought, this really is it, now, coming right up, here, any time, 5 4 3 2 1, now...

Day One - Well if I’m going to have a heart attack I may as well do it on the first day and save a bob or two on bed and breakfasts. I am starting off with a 100 mile ‘loosener’ from Land’s End to Okehampton. I will pass close to Penzance, Redruth, Bodmin, Launceston and skirting Dartmoor before I collapse in a heap and have a little cry.

Day Two - I’m not entirely sure yet how I’m going to get there, but I’m heading for Glastonbury where I will lay my head and dream dreams of rock greats and quagmire fields. Distance somewhere in the mid-80’s, I think.

Day Three - Only 65 miles today - virtually a day off - as I make my way from Glastonbury to Monmouth. Hang on, I think I’m over the border in Wales at this point. Blimey, not only is it 1000 miles, it’s also three countries. To get to Wales I will be going through Wells, across the top of the beautiful Mendip Hills, no doubt cursing all the way.

Day Four - Another shortish day of 57 miles from Monmouth to Clun. I’m told this bit is quite flat. Yeah right! I go through the city of Hereford, watching out for stray SAS deserters at all times. Clun I understand is ‘a friendly village with real ale pubs’ - job’s a good ‘un.

Day Five - This is an 80 miler from Clun up to Runcorn, calling at Bishops Castle, Ellesmere and Chester. These roads have been described as ‘an uncovered gem’. We’ll see about that. I guess Runcorn is about as close as I get to home on the trip and that’s not very close.

Day Six - Leaving Runcorn I set a course for Slaiburn 64 miles away. As this day involves some tricky navigation I could clock up a few more miles. Canal towpaths, motorway underpasses and city cycle tracks are involved...I fear the worst!

Day Seven -  75 miles through some areas of outstanding natural beauty. Good! I look forward to the look on the day trippers’ faces as I emerge from a cloud of cursing and abuse to bid them good day. Some challenging ascents in the latter stages of the ride will doubtless add further colour to the unpleasantries. God willing, I wind up in Keswick for the night.

Day Eight - A 72 mile slog from Keswick to Moffatt, passing by the historic city of Carlisle, home to the legendary King Eddie of Stobart. I’m running out of steam already and I’ve not even got on the bike yet.

Day Nine - Sees me in the third country of the ride as I traverse the Carphairn Forest (?) and try and save enough energy to pedal very fast through Glasgow. Interesting sights today will include the Clydebank Docks, Glasgow Harbour and me trying to outpace a Special Brew-fuelled villager through The Gorbals (only joking Glasgow, we love you and your reputation for high-volume drinking). The day comes to a grinding halt after 83 miles on the bonny bonny banks of Loch Lomond.

Day Ten - Loch Lomand to Glen Coe - ‘Amazing scenery’ apparently. I don’t like the sound of that one little bit. In my experience ‘amazing scenery’ could be loosely translated at shocking great hills, specially designed to try and kill cyclists. It’s 66 miles and sounds as though it could be the longest walk of the trip.

Day Eleven - I sense it’s not going to get much flatter as I aim the bike at Inverness. It’s an 83 mile day and takes in some beautiful Scottish lochs including the one that’s home to Nessy. I think there’s a pretty good chance I will see the famous monster, as by this stage I will be seeing all sorts in my exhausted, and confused state. I’ll try and get a picture.

Day Twelve - Across the Moray Firth and up an ascent the locals call ‘Struie’. A guidebook explains how I will be rewarded with impressive views of Dornoch Firth. I’m already guessing this reward will be insufficient unless the vista is served up with two pints of Kronenbourg, a big bag of peanuts and a Mars bar for desert. It’s a 66 mile day concluding at Crask.

Day Thirteen - The final stage is an 82 miler featuring ‘unforgettable backdrops’ that is also code for stinking great hills. The very last bit is quite flat and so I’m hoping to be able to put my feet up and get a cigar on for the final cruise in to John O’Groats.

So, for those who are quite interested in the route but didn’t want to sift through all the banal waffle above, here’s a summary...

Day 1, May 22  - Land’s End - Okehampton
Day 2, May 23 - Okehampton - Glastobury
Day 3, May 24 - Glastonbury - Monmouth
Day 4, May 25 - Monmouth - Clun
Day 5, May 26 - Clun - Runcorn
Day 6, May 27 - Runcorn - Slaidburn
Day 7 - May 28 - Slaidburn - Keswick
Day 8 - May 29 - Keswick - Moffatt
Day 9 - May 30 - Moffatt - Loch Lomand
Day 10 - May 31 - Loch Lomand - Glen Coe
Day 11 - June 1 - Glen Coe - Inverness
Day 12 - June 2 - Inverness - Crask
Day 13 - June 3 - Crask - John O’Groats

Jez