The Art Of Bike Maintenance

Me and bike maintenance - ALERT ALERT - invalid sentence - incompatible noun and pro- noun!!!
The main reason I am devoting an entire blog to a subject on which my knowledge levels are pathetically inadequate is the forlorn hope that someone will read this, remember it, feel sorry for me, find me shoulder-shrugging in a lay-bye just south of Keswick, remember reading this blog, recognize me, feel sorry for me and put my chain back on for me.
Ok I realize it's a long shot but you have to realize long shots are the premise on which this whole adventure are founded, so, if it's ok with you I will continue.
I could recount an entire mini-series worth of content to support the case for my maintenance buffoonery, but to set the buckled wheel in motion...
Arrived at work one day two weeks ago after a particularly noisy ride in. "Got a serious creak going on." I said to my biking mate at the office. "Could be your head set," came the swift response. For the next 20 seconds I marvelled at the beautiful harmony I had clearly developed with my bike whereby my mental state could translate into a mechanical disfunction. Clearly all I need to do to rectify the problem was adopt a more positive frame of mind and I would once again be cruising silently along. Now this was my kind of maintenance!
This is possibly an exaggerated example of my incompetence, but I do definitely have more of an affinity to the type of skewers that feature chocolate and pineapple rather than those you push through wheels. And as for dropouts, well, I don't know about you but I'm talking Leeds Polytechnic 1979.
Strange thing is no one enjoys thumbing through the Handy Hire catalogue as much as me. There's a good hour plus entertainment in the shiny line-up of jet washers and glistening array of 2000 piece socket sets. But that's as far as it goes - looking and longing, but not using. Anyone who buys my tool collection is in for the deal of a lifetime - 'hardly used' will be very honest product description.
I almost bought a bike stand the other year, but realized just in time it would be used to make my bike look better - the amazing flying machine - rather than having any practical application.
But, if you were starting to form an opinion of me which contains the sentiments "useless oaf" and "clueless moron" let me stop you right there! I have not wasted the time I maybe should have spent polishing chains or greasing brake blocks. No, I have been busy formulating a plan for the ultimate addition to any toolbox - it's a spray, in a can, a bit like WD 40, with one of those thin little tube attachments to reach those tricky spots. You spray it at the problem area and 'job's a good 'un'. It works thanks to a scientifically formulated mixture, heavy on essence of magic. One squirt and you're sorted!
If by any chance the boffins haven't got their act together before I set out from Lands End on 21 May and It's not possible to stash a can of magic mainti-spray
In my back pocket, then please look out for me in that lay-by. You'll recognize me, I'll be wearing a gormless expression and rummaging through my collection of allen key.

Jez